Two steps forward, ten billion steps back

Sometimes when I write in here I try and have a certain kind of voice, or some kind of "I'm going to say something important mode" feeling. I think lots of people do this when they write in blogs. They write about the problems of the universe great or small...and I'm too tired to write about anything important so I'm just going to vent for a little. Stay with me. You'll probably sympathize.

I'm tired. I'm completely and utterly exhausted. To be totally honest it's a miracle I got up this morning. I am at the end of my rope. You know the point. It's when you are so exhausted that your body feels like it's asleep when you're sitting or standing in one place for so long. And you would think that you would be asleep too except you have a headache and you're forcing yourself to keep your eyes open and just keep moving. Keep going through the motions. Wake up. Get ready. Make lunch. Walk to class. Sit in class and look interested. Maybe say something profound if you can think enough. Leave class. Go to next class. Same thing. Go to work. Go home. Do lots of homework. Hopefully get to bed by 12:30. Wake up...Start over.

If I were more awake and more aware right now, I would be really frustrated. Well, maybe not right this minute. I'm really writing this in the middle of an American Lit class and trying to catch some of the lecture on Puritan culture (which I already know most of because of other classes). But if I weren't in American Lit, and I were more awake, I'd be frustrated. I'd be frustrated because there hasn't been one point this semester where I have felt like I've been on top of things. I've always been just barely hanging on. Or not hanging on at all just letting the wind or the tornado or whatever kind of propel me towards things. It's annoying. I love all my classes. (Well...Maybe not American Lit as much as the rest, but most of that is because I just don't like American Lit). Either way though, I've got so much to do, and so much to take care of and not enough me to do it with.

This isn't unique. This happens to every college student. I don't think I know one (or at least not many-I've got a roommate who always manages to be in bed by 11:00 and still get incredible grades), but between working 16 hours a week and taking classes I don't quite know how I'm going to manage life. Let's just say that I literally cannot wait for the weekend.

Small tirade inserted here: My parents keep asking me about whether or not I'm dating. *drops to the floor*. There are not enough hours in the day for me to go to class, do my homework, go to work (so that I can go on a study abroad), and do Christmas Carol (I hope) in a day. Much less date. To be totally honest, I'm amazed (and a little confused) at how in the world people manage to date and go to school at the same time. Who has the time?! I know that we're supposed to use college to grow as a person and get out and whatever else, but what if I really want to focus on school? Sigh. This is where it starts to get absurd. I can't run faster than I'm able but I'm expected to be educated, experience the world, volunteer, have a church calling, and go out and make a boy date me so that I can get married!? Right. I'm sorry. That just isn't humanly possible. Not right now anyway. Not for me.

Besides- One of my roommates said that she heard someone say once that marriage is just a byproduct of living a righteous life. It shouldn't be the end all-be all of our existence. It's important, yes. But at this point when I don't have anyone to date, or anyone I want to date, I'm not going to run at it.

Good gravy, I just did another entry on dating. I'm sorry. I totally didn't expect it to go that way. I guess it's official-BYU has corrupted me.

Oh, and Liz? You'll excuse me for not publishing more often. I haven't had much time lately.