The Power of Gratitude

Below is the text of a talk I gave in church last year about the power of gratitude.  My mom thought I should send it to the Ensign.  I never did - it's so long and not personal experience centered enough for a non general authority to send in.  But I thought I'd post it again here, as a reminder to myself, if nothing else.  Happy holiday season, dear blog reader. 

Between the 7th of September 1940 and the 10th of May in 1941, the city of London was bombed every night by the German Air Force.  Before the air raids ended, over 40,000 people were killed and more than a million homes were damaged or destroyed in the city.  Other important cities all over the UK were effected by the air raids as well.  It was a terrible, frightening time that left the city of London in a state of crisis.  

In an attempt to keep families safe, children were sent away from home and into the country or overseas where they would be protected from the attacks.  Those left in the city built shelters under ground and covered their windows with thick, black fabric so that no light would come in or out of the houses.  If the German Pilots couldn’t see where to hit, the chances of the city being damaged went down significantly.  There were few options - it was darkness, or certain death. 

In our lives today we are not being threatened with physical bombs but spiritual ones.  It is easy to look around and see the evil in the world as overpowering.  But this lifestyle - hiding away - is an extreme.  We are not meant to hide the light inside of our houses, the Savior commands us to be a city on a hill and He has commanded us to be grateful.  If we watch only the news, it would be easy to respond: “grateful for what?  This world is dark, people do terrible things to one another and die early deaths - I am going to stay inside my home without any technology at all for the rest of my life and hope that it all goes away.”  This attitude, however, is contradictory to the spirit of gratitude.  We need to engage with the world around us if we are to be truly grateful.

As I have thought about and read about the topic of gratitude in the last several weeks, I have seen from every source the constant theme of gratitude being more than an attitude but a lifestyle.  Sincere gratitude is more than saying “thank you” - though that is certainly a good thing to do.  A person living a life of gratitude sees through the literal and spiritual “air raid” climate and is able to find an abundance of peace and joy in the blessings of the gospel.  It is very tempting to hide from the darkness in the world, but the result of hiding means turning away light as well.  Hiding from the world is a symptom of ingratitude.

In a talk given in the April 2007 General Conference, former Relief Society President Bonnie D. Parkin describes gratitude as a “spirit-filled principle.  It opens our minds to a universe permeated with the richness of a living God.  Through it, we become spiritually aware of the wonder of the smallest things, which gladden our hearts with their messages of God’s love.  This grateful awareness heightens our sensitivity to divine direction.  When we communicate gratitude, we can be filled with the Spirit and connected to those around us and the Lord.”  Gratitude, then, is more than just a brief expression of thanks.  It is an enabling force.  When we live a life of gratitude, it becomes easier for us to see how many things we have to be grateful for.  Gratitude becomes a shield against the vices of pride and selfishness, and the key that unlocks the doors to faith, charity, and other virtues.  In other words, gratitude allows you to engage the world and shields you from its vices at the same time.

This is, I believe, why the Lord asks us to be grateful.  In fact, living with thanksgiving is a commandment.  Why might that be?  Personally, I find it hard to believe that the Lord commands us to be grateful because he selfishly wants our acknowledgement that He has given us everything.  Although I am sure that the Lord appreciates hearing our gratitude, I think He appreciates even more the effect that our gratitude has on us, and on others.  

The Doctrine and Covenants talks about this principle most clearly.  In section 46, the saints are told that doing all things with “prayer and thanksgiving” prevents you from being seduced by evil spirits.  In section 59 we learn that if we fast and pray with thanksgiving, the fulness of the earth is ours.  Living a life of gratitude empowers us to experience the world in safety.  When we give thanks, our blessings multiply literally, but our eyes are also opened to the wealth of blessings we have already had access to. For instance, when Christ fed the people on the hill with the loaves and fishes, he gave thanks before he started distributing the food.  It was after he had given thanks that the loaves and fishes were multiplied.  Living a life of gratitude multiplies our physical blessings, and opens our eyes to the blessings we already have in our lives.  When we are grateful, we see the hand of the Lord in the world around us, and the perceived power of wickedness diminishes by comparison.

In addition, expressing gratitude is the quickest and most efficient way I can think of to spread the love of Christ to others.  When a person expresses sincere gratitude for another, both leave the experience happier and more likely to repeat the action to someone else, and so on down the line until our homes, schools, and communities feel the lasting effects of a more optimistic and positive outlook.    

I have often been frustrated when a person has come to me and told me that I need to be grateful for my trials.  Although they are not wrong, this phrase is often used in a context that means we should look past a trial and move on or we are not being grateful, but I don’t believe that this is true.  Sincere gratitude is not synonymous with ignorance and naivety.  We do not have to be afraid of acknowledging when things are hard or sad.  In fact, our trials must be hard, or they are not a true blessing.  We should not gloss over our trials, or use gratitude as a way to belittle our trials.  In the Book of John, the Savior’s good friend Martha expressed concern for the health of her brother Lazarus.  Christ was on his way out of town and told Martha that Lazarus would be fine, even though he knew that Lazarus was already dead.  Upon his return to the city, Mary approached the Savior in tears over the death of her brother - although Christ knew that Lazarus would be brought back to life soon, he did not tell Mary to stop crying or ignore the pain she was feeling.  Instead he cried with her.  If he had ignored her feelings of pain, I do not doubt that she would still have been grateful for the return of her brother, but I do think that acknowledging both emotions gave greater credibility and strength to Mary and Martha.  

Joseph Smith and his companions experienced something similar in Liberty Jail.  By this point in Joseph’s life, he was very well versed in the language of persecution.  He was 33 years old - 19 years had passed since he had the first vision.  He had been tarred and feathered, driven out of several cities, jailed before - he was no stranger to trials.  But the conditions at Liberty and the persecution of the Saints outside was so bad at this point that even Joseph begged the Lord to release him.  The Lord’s response to Joseph was that his trials would give him experience and be good for him.  The Lord knew, and Joseph learned again, that if trials are not hard for us, we do not grow, and the power of our gratitude is less potent.  

To ignore feelings of sorrow, pain, or frustration, then, creates a shallow expression of gratitude - gratitude becomes an anesthetic; a numbing force that hides you from the opportunity to feel both sorrow and joy.  Our gratitude becomes more meaningful when it is not an escape, but a choice.  The Buddhists would call this “Right Mindfulness”.  To be in a state of right mindfulness means that you have obtained the ability to gain greater control of your thoughts so that your perceptions are less impulsive or naive.  Without right mindfulness, a person is quick to judge and assume that their immediate judgment is correct.  This might encourage us to see darkness where there is really light to be found, or not to experience the darkness in favor of a dimmed light.

In the 13th Article of Faith we read that “if there is anything virtuous, lovely, or of good report or praiseworthy, we seek after these things.”  Gratitude works as a tool to help us find those things in a dark world without being overcome by evil in our search.  As members of the church, then, we should be working to bring anything virtuous, lovely, of good report or praiseworthy into our lives.  We cannot be afraid of the world.  We must trust that our Heavenly Father sent us to this world knowing that it would be good for us, and good enough for us.  Hiding from the world He has given us can be a form of ingratitude.  It is true that we are surrounded by literal and symbolic wars against living a righteous life, but when we live a life of gratitude we gain confidence in the power and protection of the Lord, and begin seeing how everything that comes in our life is an opportunity to be sincerely grateful.

First Snowfall

My second year of college I had a job working on the south end of campus.  I lived north of campus, which meant about a two mile walk home every night.  I had a love-hate relationship with that walk.  Some days I just wanted to be home.  It took about a half an hour, and it seemed like such wasted time. If the weather was particularly hot or cold it was annoying.  But some nights, some nights it was a joy.

One such night happened shortly after Christmas when I had returned back to school to get in a few days of work before classes started to earn some extra cash.  I was going on a study abroad and needed money.  It meant a week alone in my apartment, which was both strangely lonely and also strangely awesome because I got to watch what I wanted and listen to music when I wanted and everything was always clean.  I didn't have to worry about classes, though, so I would work the closing shift at work and then walk home that night.

One such night it was snowing.  And it was a glorious, beautiful Utah snow.  Snow in the midwest doesn't get big and fluffy like this snow.  It's grainy and sandy and scratches your face.  This snow was exactly what snow was supposed to look like.  It was Narnia.  It was snow in chunks the size of a quarter.  It was falling fast.  Everything was still and quiet in the way it can only be when it snows that way.  Glorious.

This is what I thought it looked like.

So, being the "appropriate" person that I am, the only thing to do was to turn on my iPod and listen to The Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe soundtrack, and whipped out my umbrella.  (I remember having to shake the snow off of it a few times because it was so thick and heavy.  THAT's how awesome the snow was.)  I completely forgot how cold and wet my feet were (this was before I had discovered the amazingness of boots and skinny jeans), and didn't mind at all how long the walk was.  If I couldn't get to Narnia through wardrobes, then I may as well imagine myself there to bide some time on the walk home, right?!

As I approached my apartment I saw some people outside the building throwing snowballs at each other.  I smiled at them, feeling rather patronizing in my head.  Oh, you juvenile people.  Throwing snowballs.  I've just been enjoying the best walk home of my life.

I got inside, took off my shoes, and went to go change out of my sopping jeans when I looked in the mirror and saw not the appropriately picturesque romantic heroine I had been imagining myself to be, but this:

Which, apparently, is some kind of desirable make-up  trick.

Oh well.  

Happy first snow, everyone!  May we enjoy beautiful snows and romantic walks. . .until January.  When it should all go away and be nice again.

What's in a Name?

I've got a quick, fun one for you today. 

When I was in high school, I wanted to become a Creative Writing teacher.  This was, in part, because I hero-worshiped my own teacher, who was genius.  I thought it would, without doubt, be the best class ever because people chose to be there, so they'd want to be there.  I pictured a room full of eager people drinking up every word I said as though I were the god of writing.  It would be wonderful. 

When I was at BYU and in education classes, they would have us write often about the classes we'd like to teach.  I always wrote down Creative Writing.  Every time.  And every time, just about everyone else did too.  Suddenly I realized: the Creative Writing teaching position would be given to maybe one teacher in any given school.  I'd probably have to work my way up the ladder.  

And now, by some awesome stroke of luck (or was it?) I ended up at a school my second year of teaching that decided to offer a Creative Writing class that I would teach.  Score! 

Now I'm in my third year of teaching Creative Writing classes.  I love it.  Mostly.  There's a bit of a battle to get kids to realize that they have to (gasp!) write in a writing class, but it's still a pretty great gig.  And there are some days when I really do get to bask in the awesomeness of having students take everything I say as gospel.  

Next Tuesday, they are going to learn the gospel of names. 

See, we've entered our fiction unit.  They've created characters.  They live in Utah.  Which means their character names are something like this: 

Not. Everyone. Does. This.  

I consider it part of my civic duty to assist in naming characters normally.  Or at the very least, readably.  Also, since I can't stop crazy parents in nursery wards of hospitals, I may as well save the billions of potential fictional people from an unpronounceable death.  And if you haven't watched that video yet, then do, because it's fantastic.

Gloom, Doom and Destruction

My Facebook feed exploded this morning.

I'm sure yours did as well.  If you're like me, it was rather entertaining to watch.  Declarations of the end of the world, the end of justice, the beginning of an era led by the anti-Christ. . . it's all pretty bleak looking.

And, in all honesty, as a moderate who voted conservative, I had a healthy bit of my own disappointment this morning as well.  My guy lost.  The guy I didn't agree with so much won.  I have some concerns (debt, foreign policy, health care, education, taxes) that I'm more than a little wary about.  There are some moral differences between the President and myself that concern me as well.  But I think there is a difference between productive disagreement and non-productive bitching.

For example:

A number of people started posting scriptural references and quotes from prophets as a means of proving what seemed to me a rather foreboding, taunting, occasionally arrogant point.  It reminds me of Dave Barry's article "How to Win Arguments".  He talks about how the one argument that no one can argue with is if you say "that sounds like something Hitler would say!"  People are using scripture in the same way - as a means to both open and close the argument without possible opposing points of view - because you can't argue with God.

Let me be clear: I fully respect and support and encourage everyone in any time of discouragement or concern no matter how big or small to turn to their religious leaders for guidance and courage.  It is a very valid and good thing to do.  I do not, however, support turning scriptures into a weapon used to preach gloom, doom and destruction.  Particularly when, at least as far as the leaders of my church have been involved, the response to this election has been one that encourages good will and moving forward with faith.  And as far as I know, the only people in the world who have the right to preach destruction of the world are the living prophets and apostles.  If Noah wants to tell everyone they're going to drown in a flood if they don't get on the ship, more power to him.  I'll pack my bags.  But I am not qualified or authorized to do the same as Noah.

No.  It is our job as Mormons, Catholics, Jews, Muslims, whatever - to encourage and lift others.  Especially now.  It does us no good to turn our religious beliefs into a threat or a source of contention.

(And - just saying - but the number of people I've seen/heard of "defriending" each other because of political discussion is laughable.  This country was founded on political debate.  If you can't handle it, then don't dish it out.  And know that I laugh at you a little when you go off in a huff because someone disagrees with you.  If we don't disagree once in a while, how will we learn?  And if you're like me and actually enjoy the chance to hash out the issues, let's not let this be the end, shall we?)

A Sense of Urgency

Education through osmosis. 

Today I want to write about urgency.  Not about the pending election results (though heaven knows I'll be glued to the screen all night).  I want to write what I wish, almost more than anything, that my students would understand.

I teach at a charter school.  Those unfamiliar with the education world imagine that charter school is synonymous with a private school and assume I'm either making a huge amount of money (which I'm not) or that we aren't subject to state and federal education mandates (which we are).  I actually had to explain the way charter schools work about eight times to the guy selling my my contract with Verizon so I could get my state employee discount (17%!) a few months ago.

For those of you unaware, a charter school is a publicly funded school beholden to all the same laws and standards given to a normal public school, but without the umbrella of the teacher's unions.  The biggest difference is typically based on the size and style of education.  You'll also see charter schools that focus on particular studies (arts and sciences, usually).  In a large city, getting into a charter school is typically a huge deal - an active decision by parents and students who want to give their child a better chance at escaping the violent, gang ridden over crowding in the schools they are zoned for.  It's a nice alternative to costly private schools.  As seen in documentaries like Waiting for Superman - these families have to submit themselves to the lottery that will determine acceptance.  Charter schools can't pick and choose who comes through application like private schools can.

In Utah, though, charters generally serve a slightly different purpose.  In my experience, families that gravitate towards charter schools here generally do so for one of the following reasons:

1. They believe the public schools are a hive of scum and villainy and would like their child to be in a more conservative environment.

2. Their child is particularly awkward socially and parents hope that a smaller school will create closer bonds of friendships a little more easily.

3. The child is particularly far behind academically, but the parent believes that the public school assessment is incorrect and that the student needs a different kind of learning environment.  (Sometimes these parents also believe that their child is a closet Einstein.)

4. Smaller class sizes.

5. They believe their child has particular gifts in an area that the school specializes (or claims to specialize) in.

Not on this list, as far as I can tell in my interaction with parents or students is the belief that charter schools here lead to a better chance of getting an education that will lead to an excellent college.  This isn't to say that these students don't anticipate being college bound, but the primary motivations that I can see generally lean towards being more social than academic, at least in Utah.  (This isn't to say that I don't work with families who are looking for a good education as a motivator - it's just that in Utah it's typically not because they don't believe the public schools will keep them from college.  From what I see, it's usually more the style of teaching or philosophy on education in the school than a desire for escaping inadequate education elsewhere.)

Those who are in the "academic-know" generally respond quite favorably when I tell them I teach at a charter.  They've seen Waiting for Superman or watched other documentaries and imagine that my students are eager educational beavers gobbling up everything I give them.

And you know what?  Some of them are.  Some of them have an incredible sense of urgency about their education.  They work hard for it.  If they're not getting it from me, they'll get it from somewhere.  They'll strive and seek and find and not yield.  And I am proud of them.  And I am honored to be a part of their lives.

But the culture around here is not terribly "panicked" about the future.

I realized this most profoundly at the commencement ceremonies for my school last May.  I watched the graduating class walk across the stage to receive their diplomas as their destinations after high school were read.  Of those graduating, I counted only three students attending schools that require any kind of application where grades and letters of recommendation will matter.  The remaining students are going to small state schools, community colleges, online schools, beauty schools. . . or no where.  Most were going no where.

I recognize that in this time of the world, a college education is not necessary for either success or for education.  There are thousands of educational paths to take that are nontraditional and glorious now.  The world is so much more accessible than it used to be.  I sincerely hope that these students are moving in that direction.

But I fear for them.  I fear for them because they live in an environment where so often, everything is placed in their laps.  Today we had an assembly about our sister school in Africa where students walk ten miles on empty stomachs to go to a school.  Some will spend the night on their desks instead of braving the walk home.  Twenty three of them managed to get accepted to colleges last year.  These students take their college entrance exams in English - their third language.  It's incredible.  How much more should we as leaders of the free world feel a sense of duty to educate and to seek after knowledge in a world where we have the luxury of not walking so far?  Of doing so on a full stomach?  (Or at least partially full.  Thanks a ton, Michelle.)

BRING BACK FRIZZLE!

If I had my druthers, I'd shout from every housetop I could, and in the ear of every politician I could find and tell them that for the love of all that is holy: the solution to invigorating our students is not with more bubble sheets, more standardized tests, and more worksheets.  When was the last time you filled out a worksheet in school that changed your life and excited you?  If students are going to feel a sense of urgency, they need an environment in which they are free to make mistakes and get messy.  Where it's not about finding the one right answer, it's about finding infinite possibilities.  They need a government that isn't so darn concerned about competing with Chinese math students.  So what if China is doing better in math and science?  This is the country that invented the iPod.  And television.  And Google.  And Pixar.  We don't need a small room of people figuring out solutions to education problems: we need an entire nation of people liberated enough to think for themselves.

But you know what?  The world isn't perfect.  And that may never happen.  But that's no excuse.  The world is at our fingertips.  Literally.  Anyone with a smart phone can get a college level education if they are diligent enough.  It's time to stop waiting for politicians to make our education better.  It's time to just be educated.  No excuses.

Song Understudies

A few weeks ago at the oh, so pleasurable experience I had in Cedar City, (I can still smell it), I neglected to tell the whole story.  I am here to rectify the situation.

When you are sitting in a theater being accosted by gag-worthy smells (one of my friends was quoted as saying "I didn't realize how fecal it was") - we needed to find a way to distract ourselves.  The four of us left behind realized more or less at the same time that the option of feeling spiritual uplift or the desire to overthrow a government or any other variation of profound thought was a lost cause.  We needed something else to get us through the show.

I'm going to take credit for starting it.  In the middle of listening to Marius and Cosette sing about how much they love each other even though they just met each other and it was crazy, maybe - I got a certain obnoxious song stuck in my head and leaned over to one of my friends to say: "Hey - they should sing this instead."

Friend laughed and replied: "They have understudies for actors.  They should have understudies for songs.  You know.  Because sometimes they just don't want to be sung."

Soooo. . . we made a list.  Sometimes it was something like: "I dare you to find a song from Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat that will fit in this show."  And sometimes it just came to us.  But we were laughing pretty hard.  I'm sure the people next to us thought we were nuts/sacrilegious or something but whatever.  You gotta do what you gotta do.

The rules, if there were any, were that the song substitutions had to be snarky.  Nothing that would actually fit.  You know - how every show has a love song or an "I'm alone" song so that's just boring.  If you're going to have a song understudy, it should be with some pizzaz.  Sometimes it's the irony of the attitude.  Sometimes it's the lyrics themselves that relate.  But snark is a must.

Here are some of my favorites from our list.  It may help if you know the songs from Les Mis.

• "A Heart Full of Love" is substituted with "Call Me Maybe"
• "Castle on a Cloud" vs. "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star", or "Tomorrow" from Annie or possibly "My Favorite Things" from Sound of Music.  All overdone little girl audition songs.
• "Master of the House" vs. "Be Our Guest" from Beauty and the Beast.  
• "Look Down" vs. "I've Been Working on the Rail Road"
• "Lovely Ladies" vs. "Pure Imagination" or "Happy Little Working Song" from Enchanted (This is the song we had the hardest time narrowing down options for.  So many great understudy choices.)
• The scene with Valjean stealing the silver and the bishop vs. "Benjamin's Calypso" from Joseph. . . Dreamcoat. 
• The Confrontation (with Javert and Valjean) vs. "The Farmer and the Cowman" from Oklahoma.  
• "I Dreamed a Dream" vs. "Summer Nights" from Grease
• "Do You Hear the People Sing" vs. "You're the Voice" (Listen for the synthesized bagpipes.  If there's something Les Mis/EVERYTHING EVER needs, it's a synthesized bagpipe.)
• "Who am I" vs. "Man or Muppet" from the new Muppet movie
• "Red and Black" vs. "The Creation of Man" from The Scarlet Pimpernel
• Finally, the other one that made me giggle more because it would be funny to see it interpreted in character than because it has too much to do with the song itself. . . Mme. Thenardier's verse of "Master of the House" substituted with "If I Were a Bell" from Guy's and Dolls.  

May you find as much enjoyment out of this as we did.  I hope.  And if you have any ideas you should send them my way.  Not just for Les Mis but for everything.  We can start a revolution, folks.  This could be big.  Just remember that I started it.

Or. . . maybe you had to be there. 

Going Out

Sometimes I feel like I live at school.

And considering how huge and spacious and windowed my classroom and adjoining office space are, you'd think that spending said huge amounts of hours there would not be a big deal but today they were a big deal.  I wanted out.  I had thought about staying for the school arts Halloween concert but that was still a few hours away and I couldn't bear to be there for another building.  So out it was.

But out to what exactly?

My ever absent boyfriend/fiance/husband?  (There are only so many times I can watch ((insert BBC TV series here)) before it doesn't count anymore/ever.)

Rehearsal? (Wish I had time for one.)

A cup of tea and the book I've been reading?  (All my books are for school right now.  Too much annotation needs doing to be relaxing.)

A bubble bath?  (Hate them.  Cold, dirty water is not appealing and I don't like being naked.)

My life has become work and more work and. . .more work.  I suppose that's what happens when you're teaching far too many classes and own your own business on top of all that.

After a trip to the store for some half decent frozen pizza (because I'm too exhausted to cook and have worn out all of my other eat-out options long ago - it's what happens when you do theater. . . ) I realized that although I could totally use a night just sitting alone in my room and falling asleep by 9:00. . . I didn't want that.  I wanted people.  But all of my people were at school.

So back I went.  I saw the last half of the concert.  I socialized with other teachers and parents and former cast mates from the YCTIWY crowd and reminisced about the summer and planned for the next few shows on the docket.  And I found again that even though maintaining relationships and contact with people isn't exactly my forte, I am grateful for the people in my life that make it worth living when I would otherwise be drowning in a sea of confused homophones and strangely formatted papers and over pretentious short stories.

The papers aren't going anywhere.  (Seriously, though.  I keep putting off looking at them.)  There will always be more books to prepare.  (Good thing I pick not crappy ones.)  But in the meantime - I'm grateful for friends.

Like a Veal

This is what they think I do.

Teach.  Verb.  "To impart knowledge of or skill in, to give instruction."

I get mad at my students when they start an essay with a dictionary definition, especially when they are giving a definition that is obvious or doesn't add to what they're trying to say.  But this time, surprising as it may be, it is relevant. 

I have had the following conversation in one form or another on several occasions with parents and students.  It goes as follows:

Student/Parent: I am/my child is dropping your Creative Writing class. 

Me: Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.  (Aside: sometimes.)  Why?

Student/Parent: I am/my child is a free spirit.  They don't like being told what to write, they thought they would just be able to write fun stories in your class.  

My response to this is generally a polite "Thank you, hope you/your child enjoys whatever class they transfer into."  My internal response, though, is always rather bewildered. 

Let me explain.  I have been thinking about this for a while because it's kind of bugging me.  In no other class that I can think of do parents or students expect not to be taught something.  You join an art class, you expect the teacher to give you some new techniques to try.  You join a French class, you assume that teacher is going to give you vocabulary and speaking lessons.  Basketball.  You expect drills.  English - you expect the teacher to instruct you in better grammar and organization/presentation of ideas.  Math.  Science.  Theater.  You expect those kind of things. 

But not so with Creative Writing.  People seem to think that Creative Writing is a class in which I, as a teacher, will sit in my rolly chair like a veal and smile and give cookies to students who write stories and put them up on the refrigerator in my office with a gold star on them for all the world to see.  They don't expect me to give prompts, to give lessons, to corral ideas into something manageable in a few pages.  It's the only class I teach where people are surprised that I'm teaching.  Like it's this revolutionary idea that writing well, particularly for beginning writers, requires some instruction.

That kind of teaching would be absurd in other classes.  Can you imagine a parent coming to a violin teacher that has been carefully instructing classes about scales before allowing them to touch, say, Mahler, and have the parent pull the student because the student just wants to play for fun and doesn't care how pretty it sounds?  No.  

Anyway.  Random post for a random day.  Here's another random thought: people tell me I'll go straight to heaven because I teach junior high.  I tell them no.  It's not me.  It's the beginning orchestra teachers.  They get dibs.  And I know this because last year my room was next to the beginning orchestra room.  

Review: The Casual Vacancy

Disclaimer: This is, as clearly stated above, a review of the new JK Rowling novel, The Casual Vacancy.  Not too many overt plot point spoilers, but read at your own risk. 

To be honest, I feel a little strange writing this review now.  Not, I mean, right this very second.  I mean now, nearly a month since the book came out.  I've never read a JK Rowling book in more than 24 hours before.  Something is not. right.  But, I suppose, if Harry himself has to grow up and take on adult responsibilities than I probably ought to as well.  Gone are the days when I could stay up until well past 4:00 AM with a book.  At least not until summer comes around again, and even then I start falling asleep.  Gosh that makes me feel old.

But in my defense, The Casual Vacancy isn't really that type of book.  Not quite the quick moving, action oriented fare that I'm used to from Rowling.  It's a much more traditional British-style novel with emphasis on character development over plot.  I found myself having to read and re-read sections of the first few chapters just to re-orient myself to the novel.  It looked and felt and smelled like Rowling but something was just different.  It took some time. To be honest, I'm still not entirely sure after 500 pages that I'm entirely used to it.  For one thing, the narrative was much choppier and harder to follow.  Potter sits comfortably in Harry's head most of the time.  Vacancy jumps between one character to the next often without much transition making it hard to keep track of who is who.  There are a huge number of characters to keep track of as well - at least 20 to rotate through - I'm not entirely sure I managed to keep track of everyone.  It wasn't as smooth a narrative as I generally see from Rowling.

The Casual Vacancy is, in many ways, similar to Potter.  There is a huge amount of character development that is rewarding and allows for the reader (in a very Atticus Finch like way) to be careful about judging characters too quickly for their actions.  It also has a definite sense of dark humor and an underlying push for good virtues and strong choices in the face of difficult odds that certainly resonated through Hogwarts.  Only there's really nothing terribly magical in the towns of Pagford and Yarvil.  The obstacles to overcome are not symbolic dementors or bad teachers with cruel quills or dragons protecting their eggs- these are very real challenges of drugs and affairs and broken families and children who despise their parents and, in some cases, vice versa.  There was a rather nice bit of symbolism in a different kind of ghost, but that was about as close as the book ever got to the symbolic power of the Potter books- everything is was quite raw.

There's no question: Vacancy is a very adult book.  And by adult, I mean adult.  The language is incredibly harsh and doesn't let up from start to finish.  Most of the characters in this book are leading lives that are not moral at all.  Although I thought the payoff of the book was able to overcome the harsh material, it is not something to be taken lightly if you choose to read it.  It's a far cry from Potter and I'd probably (definitely) get into huge amounts of trouble if I recommended it to any of my students.  I was reading it while working at the BYU football game a few weeks ago and had one game-goer ask me if he'd have to see his bishop after reading it.  Well, no.  I don't think so.  But the characters in the book certainly need to.  Read with caution if you don't like (or can't tollerate) that sort of thing.

There was so much talk before the book was published about how Rowling would never be able to top or compete with herself after the success of Potter, and that's probably true.  It also really doesn't matter.  She can write whatever she wants now and be successful or not successful and it won't make an ounce of difference to her financial situation.  So I can understand her desire to break the mold away from Potter.  I did wonder several times as I read through Vacancy, though, whether or not all that language and crass behavior was really necessary to prove her point, or really all that true to who she seems to be.  I don't fault an author for swearing when the words are right, and I would never presume to tell an author only to write characters leading nice, moral lives.  Some of my favorite books (Lord of the Flies, 1984, Catcher in the Rye) are predominantly about characters with either a poor understanding of what a moral life generally involves or have a blatant disregard for that kind of lifestyle.  But there were a handful of times as I read Vacancy where I wondered if "that word" was the right word, or if "that scene" was the only way to portray what was needed for the characters.  Was she going for shock value?  To prove to people that she can write more than just for children and teenagers?  I think there are better ways to do so than through that much content.  Sometimes it felt a bit like a Disney child star taking on a rated R film just to prove that they're grown up now, instead of just nicely transitioning out of Disney and into other projects.  I wished she wouldn't try so hard to prove herself.

That said, the payoff at the end of the book is worth it.  The final images in particular were so striking that my patience and persistant belief that Rowling wouldn't write something that didn't pay off was certainly rewarded.  It just took much more patience from me as a reader to get to that point.  The best compliment I can pay this book, or any book, is that I am still thinking about it.  Honestly, it's left me profoundly grateful for an atonement that covers not only sins, but also considers the circumstances around us and our own perspective on the choices we have to make.  We are told that the Lord does not just look at the outward appearance - he looks at our heart.  At our intents.  We are asked to become perfect in an imperfect world with imperfect abilities of perception.  We do the best we can with what we know, with what we can see, and can then be incredibly relieved and overjoyed when we know that those times when we fall short, sometimes through no fault of our own, it will still work out.

Overall, I'm glad that I read it.  It was a good, interesting read and I'm excited to see what she comes up with next.  But I'm not quite jumping out of my skin with excitement about it.  Parts of it were completely brilliant.  Parts were a bit overboard.  The flow of the story was weak.  Hopefully her next foray in the Post-Potterverse will be a bit more balanced.

I Miserables

It was a happy, quiet-ish night at the theater.  After an afternoon of some glorious Shakespeare, I was prepared to enjoy one of the greatest war-horse musicals there is in the beautiful Randall Theater in Cedar City, Utah: Les Miserables.  After visiting the loo, I joined my friends and sat in the very back row, ready to enjoy the musical that Utahns worship as Celestial, even though it's primarily about whores and prostitution and thieves breaking the law.

About five minutes before the show started, an usher came and gestured for three members of our group of seven to come with her.  This was confusing.  Had they done something wrong?  No.  They had been reseated.  Somehow in a completely sold out house, they had managed to scrape free seats on the main floor.  Lucky. 

Ah well.  I moved over, closer to the rest of my group.

"Can't you smell it?"

I was confused.  ". . . smell what?"

"Be glad.  That's why they left." 

Oh.  Well, I couldn't smell it so it didn't matter.  I'd enjoy the show.

But then psychosomatic smells started to taunt my nose.  Then some not so psychosomatic smells.  I was definitely smelling something.  Possibly the group in front of me hadn't showered in a while.  Maybe they were particularly method audience members wanting to give me the true French Revolution experience.  Or maybe they were decaying.  Certainly they had something truly foul for dinner that night on top of these previous offenses.  I pulled out a bottle of peppermint oil from my purse and spread the love to the rest of my group. 

Only that just cleared my sinuses and made it easier for me to smell the others.  Ick.

During intermission we contemplated asking to be reseated as well, but there was no hope.  The theater was booked, and no one walks out of Les Mis.  So we returned to find the great offender taking off her sweater.  This did not help. 

There was only one thing to be done.  All four of us shielded our nose with scarves, coats and shirts.  I was doing double duty like a bat or a vampire with one hand holding up my coat over my nose and one hand holding the peppermint oil bottle a scant millimeter away from my nose at all times.  The others contemplated the benefits of hot tamale nose plugs.  I very nearly shouted to the stage "NO YOU DON'T!" when Thenardier sang of getting used to the smell in the sewers. 

I had to ask those who had dodged the smell bullet afterward if the show was good.  Apparently it was excellent.  Then those of us who had survived the back row regaled our story of olfactory woe to much laughter that was sure to have confused theatergoers who had felt uplifted and edified by the experience.  To celebrate our survival we decided to go buy some ice cream.  I contemplated snorting said ice cream.  Also, I'm probably going to have to put my coat in a plastic bag in the basement for a few weeks like you do with lice so as to avoid the spread of such an accostation of the senses.

Thank goodness I've seen this show before.

The Budding Activist

Joni = Elizabeth

(Thanks for the inspiration, CJane.)

It was really an accident that I ended up in England that summer.  I had wanted to go on a study abroad but was only working part time.  I was on the "Newman Family Scholarship" at that time - get good grades and you get your tuition and books covered.  As a result, I felt rather beholden to my parents and regretted asking for any financial boost.  So when Liz came up to me after class one day buzzing with excitement about this program and how it was perfect, I was a little surprised.

"This is a hiking trip, Liz.  We aren't really the outdoorsy type."

"But it's only day hikes.  And there aren't as many mountains there as here.  And it's England.  And we'd get to go everywhere.  It's all about reading and writing and England.  It's perfect."

How could I argue?

So with approval and a financial plan from home (I have the best parents ever), I went in to be interviewed for the program.

John Bennion didn't really strike me as the outdoorsy type either.  His organized chaos style office, mild mannered, bumbling presentation rather confused me.  I wasn't sure of what to do with him.  He explained to me that they were looking at roughly five different categories in determining whether or not I was a good fit for the program.  Things like how the courses would assist in my degree.  My writing experience.  My general interest.  My physical preparation.  I passed with flying colors in all areas but one.  Physical preparation, naturally.  Bennion didn't consider the mile or so walk from campus to my apartment each day quite adequate, even though it required a pretty steep uphill climb each morning.

Top of Ben Lomond

So I found myself suddenly accepted.  Along with approximately 25 other people - primarily single girls - I prepared myself to spend a summer overseas.  We were a decently diverse bunch.  Stemming from all over the country we were loud and imaginative and determined and theatrical and quirky and so, so obsessed with chocolate.  Not such a bad way to spend a summer.  We toured estates and hiked for miles (and miles and miles when we got lost) and joked about how many twelve year old boys we could take down before they took us down.  We saw plays and talked about whether or not we'd be naked in heaven.  We took pilgrimages to important literary locations and ate. everything.  It remains the time in my life that I would go back to without question if I could possibly revisit it again.  It was the most perfect summer I ever had.

Now, I had grown up in the theater and surrounded by those who believed differently than I did.  I considered myself decently aware of the world and not just tolerant but accepting of different ideas.  Until this summer, though, I had not ever really come into any amount of real, open contact with Mormons who asked questions.  In retrospect, I find this a little sad.  The very foundation of my faith is built on asking questions.  Joseph Smith founded the church at all because he had questions.  The entire Doctrine and Covenants is based on asking questions and expecting answers to them.  But now I was surrounded by people not satisfied with accepting everything that was given to them.  They wanted to know.

Food on the go. 

I was never one of those people.  If you had asked my eighteen year old self what I wanted from life, I would tell you that I expected to get my degree, marry my junior year of college, teach for approximately three years and have a baby in the mean time.  I would be pregnant again by the end of my third year of teaching and then quit to stay at home like a good Mormon woman should.

And let me clarify, I don't think there is anything particularly wrong with that option.  I still don't.  I have many friends, including those I met on this trip, that followed a path similar to the one described and they have been very happy with that choice.

It wasn't until I went on this trip that I realized that I had other options.  That I, as a woman, as a Mormon woman, had choices.

I learned from Liz Knight and her totally refined wanderlust.  She had been everywhere and seen everything and had done it with a backpack and a lack for apparent care on how it all looked.  After the trip was over she rented a car and went where the wind took her.  My obsessively organized mind was shocked at how free that sounded.  I wanted to see the world for myself.  All of it.

The beginning of Aed the Whelpe.  Epic penny flute band.

I learned from Mel and her intense love of learning and refinement and class.  I learned how to be kind from Mel too, who was struggling with many of the things I was.  We fought.  We misunderstood.  And after it all became fast and longstanding friends.

I learned from Laura with her quiet strength and quirky sense of humor.  She was engaged and trying to  plan a wedding while there.  I respected how comfortable she seemed to be with who she was.

I learned from Bennion.  Bennion who, like Grandpa Sycamore in You Can't Take it With You never ever criticized my way of life, only questioned it.  He helped me to see how many possibilities the world holds.  Helped me to both love and challenge myself.

Brooke loves Stonehenge. 

I learned from Brooke.  Brooke, who was the most radical Mormon I had ever known.  Who had a nose ring and swore and had a fascination for the pagan heritage England holds.  Who saw everything as spiritual.  Who fought hard - so hard - for her faith.  Who wanted to believe even in the face of doubt.  Who faced her doubts head on instead of running from them.  Who asked and studied and thought more deeply than anyone I'd ever known.


While I was in England, I don't think I realized how badly I needed those other women (and Bennion) in my life.  Because my life, as it happens, never even had the chance to follow the traditional path I had outlined for myself.  A profound strain of introvert in my blood has made me a horrible dater.  Supreme independence hasn't helped either.  And I realized that if I only ever had a few children instead of a large family it would probably be better for my mental health.  I realized that I love teaching.  I realized that sometimes the Lord has a path for you that others will never understand.

Strapping the man himself into a corset.  Good sport.

I realized that if I were ever to be truly happy as a traditional Mormon woman with my food storage and diapers - it was going to have to be a choice I made willingly.  I realized that it wasn't enough to just accept everything that was given to me.  I realized that the apostles of the church meant it when they told us to pray and ask for answers to prayers.  I realized that I wasn't crazy to feel the spirit when I read novels or saw movies or picked sheep poo off my boots.

I learned how very important it was for me to have a personal relationship with the Lord.  And I learned how sweet, how very sweet, it is to discover that relationship.

Rare?

I had a discussion with someone recently in which I was told that I am rare.  Not like. . . undercooked meat or precious ruby rare.  Rare in the thinly veiled euphemistic and slightly nicer than saying weird kind of rare.

It kind of ticked me off.

Under context of this conversation, it was being suggested to me that teenagers want nothing more from life than to have fun and be loved.  And while I don't doubt that these things are part of a true teenager (or human) experience, I tried to explain that as a teenager, and particularly as a student, teachers who spend their time wanting me to feel good about myself just pissed me off and teachers who only wanted to have fun were even worse because I wanted to not waste my time.

"Well, that's rare."

Is it?

Maybe I'm just delusional.  I would never claim to be exactly normal.  I have particular tastes and strange quirks that don't really make sense to some people.  Sometimes I'm super social and sometimes I want to book a trip to the middle of no where for a week just to escape everything (which I nearly did last week, by the way).  Sometimes I'm hard to read.  I'm super confident and open about some things, but private about weird things that people wouldn't expect me to be private about.  I get that.

And I'm also not saying that I liked teachers who didn't have fun with me.  But the kind of fun we had wasn't stupid games or trite things that didn't matter - fun came from a really great debate or talking about a book that had changed my life.  It came from a teacher I knew I could trust enough to share opinions with and have them be respected.  A teacher who respected me and trusted me to excel. Fun and learning were interdependent, not the antithesis of each other.

I don't think that I was unique as a student.  I think I was unique, perhaps, in how aware I was as a student of wanting to learn and not wanting my time to be wasted.  But in the time I've spent with teenagers over the last three plus school years, I've not had too much experience with teenagers who appreciate adults treating them like incapable, lecherous liars that just want to have fun all the time.  To be honest, I find that kind of insulting.  And I think they do too.  It's why I do my best to tell my students how capable they are.  It's why I dare them to come up with a better assignment than I do.  And you know what?  Every time I've had a student come up with a different assessment tool than the one I give them - theirs is better.  Every. Time. 

Hugh Nibley tells a story of a man who inherits a mansion and spends his time holed up in broom cupboards.  Sometimes I think modern education gives guided tours of the broom cupboard.  As soon as a student gets interested in any other room in the educated mansion, we drug them or punish them or force them into classes they don't want to take and force them into assignments that waste their life.  (Let's be serious.  Did you ever fill out a worksheet that changed your life?)

Oh, and in case you think I'm crazy, I had to stop writing this for a moment because a student came in to vent to me about a silly assignment they were given that will legitimately waste their time.  She's a cultured, brilliant, capable individual that will one day give me someone to brag about knowing, I'm sure of it.  And I can remember a conversation I had with another student lately that was frustrated with a teacher using a classroom management tool that would be decently successful in an elementary school but is somewhat juvenile and insulting for a junior in high school.  And I'll remember the friends I had in high school and college who would pride ourselves on taking stupid assignments from our teachers and doing them twice: once the way we wanted to, and once the way they wanted us to.  And then gloat over the way the teacher would praise our ability to grasp a concept that everyone else had failed to master, when we knew that in reality it had only taken us about five minutes.

Life as a Sycamore

Growing up, I related very much to the transcendentalists.  Men like Emerson and Thoreau and Alcott - men who were constantly searching for meaning in their life and never quite satisfied with where they were.  They felt, and were for all intents and purposes, out of place in their world.

I love this world.  I love the purpose my life gains from making meaning out of what comes my way, even when I don't understand it completely.  I love the ability I have to step outside of myself and try and gain the larger picture.  I love the way my brain and soul are challenged together so that I am not satisfied with learning for the sake of learning, but long to connect the eternities with the now.

This world also stresses the hell out of me.

It's a world of constant dissatisfaction with who you are.  A world of impatience as you try to get better but just can't do it fast enough.  It means that when you are given critique on how to improve you cannot let an ounce of needed improvement go even in a gallon of praise.  It's a world of pressure and stress when taken out of balance.

So when I was cast as Alice Sycamore in You Can't Take it With You, I laughed a little.  I relate to Alice more than any other character I have played before.

For those of you uninitiated to the You Can't Take it With You world, it is the story of a family at the tail end of the depression.  Headed by patriarch Martin Vanderhoff (known simply as Grandpa), the house is full of people who do what they love.  They're able to do this because Grandpa, a former businessman, encourages the house to do what makes them the most happy and helps fund their efforts.  His daughter, Penny Sycamore, writes plays and paints (though you get the feeling that she'd do just about anything if the tools were cool enough and the costume fun enough.  She is married to Paul Sycamore, who spends his life designing fireworks (often sans pants) in the cellar of the house.  (He sets them off in the cellar too.  No worries.)  Paul and Penny have two daughters.  Essie is an aspiring ballet dancer (who isn't all that great, but don't tell her that) married to Ed who is a man with many "talents" (including printing, xylophone playing and mask making).  Their other daughter is Alice - we'll get back to her.

The house has several other acquirements - Rheba the maid and her boyfriend Donald.  Kohlenkov is Essie's very outspoken Russian ballet teacher, and his friend Olga Katrina comes around for a visit.  There's also Mr. DePinna, Paul's fireworks making friend.

The house itself is full of life.  None of the Sycamores (other than Alice) have a job outside of the home, so everything is constantly moving and full of excitement.  It's a joy to watch - a family that loves each other and enjoys each other's company, and has the luxury of pursuing what they want to do with no judgment placed on them.  In the Sycamore house, your quirks are encouraged and wanted and in some ways expected.  They want you to be you.

Then there's Alice.  Alice is, for all intents and purposes, the most "normal" of the Sycamore club.  She has a "real" job.  She interacts with people outside of the home and is decently self conscious of the way her family looks to those who don't get them.  She loves them - but she's nervous about other people loving them, especially when she gets engaged to the son of a Wall Street business mogul.

Near the end of the play after a rather unfortunate scene where the families of Alice and her fiance, Tony, meet - Alice breaks off the engagement and sends the whole family into a depressive funk.  In a debate with Tony's father over the best way to live your life, Grandpa states rather boldly that Tony is too nice a boy to end up in a life obsessed with stocks and bonds - that he deserves better than to be "mixed up and unhappy".

It was that last phrase that struck me.  As I think about the last few years in my life, I realize exactly how like Alice I am.  I am driven and determined to succeed.  I am comfortable pursuing what makes me happy.  But I am conscious of wanting to please those around me.  I don't like feeling judged - it stresses me out.  So I sometimes spend far too much time worrying about what other people think.  It left me feeling mixed up and terribly unhappy.

I started to realize that I was spending far too much time worrying about what other people thought and not nearly enough time worrying about what He thought.

I'm not letting go of my transcendentalist routes.  I think it's good to have a healthy desire to push forward and to become better.  I don't ever want to feel so settled in my opinions that I can't change and adapt.  But I also don't want to put so much pressure on myself to be perfect rightthisverysecond.  I want to learn to accept myself a bit more.  I want to accept the Sycamore parts of my personality and not be ashamed of them, but enjoy them.  Grandpa is right - life is kind of beautiful if you take the time to notice when spring comes around.  And it's hard to notice that when you spend your life constantly stressed about pleasing others, or making a deadline, or on trying to accomplish a world of tasks all at once.

It makes me want to go by school supplies. . .

August is a deceitful little wretch of a month.  Most people still consider it summer vacation.  But me. . . not me.  Not any more at least.  This week I return to life as a responsible working adult with an alarm clock and dress pants and teenagers to corral into intelligence.  Come Friday, I will lose my first name again for a while and become "Newman".

(Side note: as a student I only ever called teachers by their last name when they had reached a particular state of coolness.  I'm not sure if that's the culture around here or not, but every time a student ditches the "Miss" and goes straight for the kill, I get a little cocky.)

Last summer was horrible.  This summer was by all accounts perfect.  I didn't get sick.  I got to sleep in.  I got to travel to parts of the world I'd never been to and checked a part off of my theater bucket list.  I have my classes more or less prepared and my business owner responsibilities under control as well.  This summer I became the master of both fun and productivity.  Glorious.

But even the best laid plans get thrown wrenches once in a while.  When you seek out chances to be involved in as many things as I do (I blame my mom's dad, who is also obsessed with being involved in everything), then stress follows you and gives you stress whiplash at inopportune times.  Like when you're on vacation and can't do anything about it except ride Space Mountain until you forget for thirty seconds at a time.  And when you're a slight (more than slight) control freak like myself, the only cure for stress is to just do something about it.  Generally I make a list.

This time I needed to make two.  I needed to make a list of things I need to do to handle said new form of stress, and I needed to remind myself of why I like my job at all.  So now I present to you a list of reasons both profound and ridiculous as to why I have the best job in the world.  I do this to make you supremely jealous.  They are in no organized order.

1. I get an excuse to look nice every day and wear all of my numerous pencil skirts. I love pencil skirts. And looking nice.

2. I am essentially paid to run a book club five days a week.  This is fantastic.  Because I love talking about books with people.

3. I get to buy school supplies.  But no seriously.  New notebooks and pencils and staplers and pretty whiteboard markers (!!) and paperclips and Post It Notes (!!) are my favorite things ever.  And now I can excuse my purchases of new pens I don't need but really want as completely necessary for getting through a stack of essays.

4. I get to work with a large number of seriously cool people.  I love the staff of my current school.  They are funny and hard working and generous to one another.  When someone is successful it is something that we cheer, not something we're jealous of (as often happens in professional settings).  When one teacher does something innovative, other teachers try and find ways to adapt and grow their own classes as a result.  This is unique and wonderful and I am grateful to be surrounded by people I like.

5. I have an awesome classroom.  The walls are painted.  There are couches.  There are pictures of places I love on the walls and books and a large selection of Pixar movies and shorts I can draw from for fun examples of how not to suck.

6. I have awesomely creative students that are enthusiastic and interesting and funny.  I love the life they bring to my room and the ideas they share.  They take my rule about not being boring quite seriously, which I appreciate.

7. I have supportive parents who help organize things I don't have the time to organize and who trust me with the minds (and lives) of their kids.  I value and appreciate that trust.

8. I get to, for the first time ever in four years, teach mostly classes that I have taught before.  This. Is. Miraculous.

9. Our school lunches are actually really good.  Which is awesome because lunch is the one meal of the day I would skip if I could.  It's just boring and way too much work to be good most of the time.  As evidenced by the fact that I have sometimes completely forgotten about it this summer.

10. I've had lots of great non-school opportunities as a result of working where I do.  The most awesome of which is, of course, the theatrical opportunities I've had lately.  Two shows in one summer.  Haven't done that in about six years.  And both parts are bucket list parts.

So, yeah.  I'm a bit tired and overwhelmed at the moment.  Not everything is perfect.  But since when has everything been perfect?  I just know that those not so perfect aspects of my life are, in many ways, out of my control, and therefore a waste of my time to stress about.  What I can stress about is finding the coolest new pens on the market and restocking my whiteboard markers.  And getting my sleep schedule back to "normal" (6:30 AM will never, ever be normal to me.  Even when it's normal.  It's just not right.)  And making sure my lines are memorized.  And picking out my first day of school outfit.  Which is still a very important decision.

Majority Rules

It's been a while.  What with performing one play, beginning rehearsals for another, planning my first real vacation in about three years and working more or less full time. . . I've been busy.

I've also been doing a lot of thinking.  As is normal for me.  Those thoughts are somewhat rambly and twisted.  As is normal for me.  Hopefully you can make sense of it all.

I've started reading To Kill a Mockingbird again.  It is a book that, admittedly, I hated the first time I read it.  I don't blame Atticus or my 9th Grade English teacher (whose name I can't remember, but I do remember liking her class) - I blame my Harry Potter induced, fantasy obsessed, 14 year old mind.  I have since repented.  I wish that I could get that decade or so of not liking Mockingbird back so that I could read it again and again and again.  I always learn something new.

One of my favorite Atticus quotes is when he counsels his daughter, Scout, that "the one thing that doesn't abide my majority rule is a person's conscience."  It's an important motto for Atticus, who spends the entirety of the book in the minority.  He raises his daughter in a way that allows her to wear overalls instead of dresses and to experiment with swearing and disobeying her teacher.  (Heck, he encourages the disobeying of the teacher, but that's because the teacher was trying to get Scout to stop reading, so that's pretty fair in context if you ask me.)  People don't understand why he lets Scout experiment, but he's alright with that.  He most notably goes to court on behalf of an innocent black man who stands no chance of winning his case, and though many people admire Atticus for doing what no one else will, it doesn't change the fact that no one else will.

I've also been thinking about the story of Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden and the LDS view on what we call the Plan of Salvation - or, put more simply, God's plan for how we can return to live with Him.  The way Mormons understand this story, Adam and Eve are sent to the Garden and given an impossible task: have children, and don't take any fruit from the tree of knowledge.  The way we understand it, it's impossible because until they had knowledge, they wouldn't know how to . . . well, do it.  They were like children themselves, ignorant of the impropriety of nakedness.  So why set them up for failure?  Well, because God knew that everything we do would have to be a choice.  Eden is essentially an extension of heaven.  We all had the choice to come or not to come.  They had the choice to leave or not to leave.  But it had to be a choice.  If it wasn't a choice, it would throw off the whole plan.

And then we are, in some ways paradoxically, told that the path back to the Lord is "straight and narrow".  Which is great and true and I believe that - except that phrase doesn't mean "straight, narrow, and identical for everyone."  Which makes things relatively confusing if you start looking at someone else's life and go "Well, wait a second, that is a wrong decision the moron", or "What am I doing so wrong that my life isn't like that."

(Confession.  I am guilty of both.  Often.)

((Confession two: I have felt the burden of both.  Often.))

Sometimes I think the greatest tool Satan has against me is doubt in my own instincts.  To doubt that I am even anywhere near the straight and narrow path simply by comparing myself to others, or by doubting my ability to act on inspiration I receive.  It's such a mess for such a little problem.  I've been on this earth for a while now.  Long enough to have a pretty good grasp of making more or less right decisions most of the time.  Decisions that are right for me at any rate, even if they aren't right for everyone.  And most of the time, even the majority of the time, my intentions and heart are in the right place.  I want to do what the Lord wants me to do, so even when I mess up, He has a way of getting me back on track.  My track.

But then I look at someone else's life and suddenly I'm not so sure.  "What if staying home to grade papers tonight destroys the only chance I have of ever getting married!!!" I'll think rather irrationally, and then feel guilty the rest of the evening for not being more social.  Or I'll talk to someone who doesn't seem to understand me or has led a life quite different to mine and I'm not sure again.  Or I'll feel nervous telling friends or family members about something that's making me really happy for fear that it won't be good enough or appear "right" enough on the outside.  Suddenly my prayers and questions and relationship to the Lord is called into doubt.  The confidence I felt in quiet moments of study and prayer seem feeble in the light of day and safer in my head.

So thank goodness for the wisdom of Atticus in reminding me that, when it comes down to it, majority rule doesn't apply to my conscience.  Now, this is not to completely discount the majority.  Sometimes (most of the time) I need the perspective and wisdom of people on the outside to give me a different view on decisions I make, especially the big ones, so that I have a clear mind.  Heck, this is why I read the scriptures and have my parents on speed dial.  But when it comes down to it - it's me and Him.  And that . . . that is liberating.  Because He is certainly smarter than the majority.  And me.

The Introvert in Extroverted Clothing

Once upon a time there was a girl who loved to talk.

The legend said that she was never a happy child - cried all the time, in fact - until she learned to use words.  Then she was happier.

This girl found that she could use her words to get attention.  That adults found it entertaining when she used words far too big for her underdeveloped speaking skills to handle, and she liked to make people laugh.  That children less verbal than herself were easy to rule over and convince to play the games she wanted to play in the manner to which she was accustomed.  Words, she found, were a source of power.

Fortunately this young girl also learned that when you used words to control other people (such as your less than eager younger brother) you were deemed bossy, and that people did not like spending time with those who were bossy, particularly when they had no right to declare themselves in charge.  Words had betrayed her.

She also learned (through various eavesdropping episodes) that when she said big words in an attempt to earn the respect and admiration of adults, she often earned giggles as well because big words coming from small mouths is entertaining.  She liked to make others laugh.  She did not like to be laughed at.  Words had betrayed her a second time.

The girl found that she did not like being made fun of because of words or other things either.  She became rather paranoid of people talking about her behind her back.  She was afraid of being misunderstood or misrepresented.  Of being annoying or rude.  She longed for acceptance and refinement.

So the girl tried many ways in which to harness this tongue of many words into something that would not get her into trouble or make her frustrating to others.  She tried once to join with the "popular" crowd at school but found that this was a place where her practical sense of fashion and love of learning got in the way.  (She also learned that she didn't really care about having large groups of friends to keep track of, but instead preferred two or three close friends to rely on.)  She tried to be shy by not talking at all in class or in the halls but found that her reputation as an extroverted talker hung over and people around her only wondered if she was upset or sick or annoyed.  It was too late - she had earned the reputation of being confident and chatty and comfortable in groups.

This reputation came with a new set of challenges.  You see, this particular girl had all of the outward trademarks of an extrovert but she really wasn't one.  Not completely.  She loved performing on stage and was comfortable pursuing a career that placed her in front of large groups of people.  She felt no stress in being asked to present awards or speeches at the last minute in front of people and even thrived on the thrill that came from being called on to do so.  But this was very much so a part of her professional presentation.  In her personal life, this girl was very private.  She was, she discovered, an introvert in extrovert clothing.  For example, while she was very passionate about her beliefs and things she enjoyed, she hated conflict and would generally clam up when she felt attacked.  She would often promise to go to a party thinking that it sounded fun, but, when the party time had actually arrived, want nothing more than to stay home and read a book (even if she had been feeling cabin fever all day.)  And relationships. . . relationships were hard.

With friends, she often felt bad.  She was (because often first excited and then not so excited about going out) a bit of a wild card in group settings - sometimes fun, and sometimes awkward and frustrating.  She was often looked to for decision making in group settings and was fine making decisions but would internally panic that by doing so she would alienate others and find herself, once again, in a position of being the annoying one.

"Intimate" relationships were always a source of stress and never a chance for her to relax and feel comfortable.  Not that external circumstances had ever really helped this.

For example, this girl received her first kiss late one night from a near total stranger who did not ask but just did and the girl told no one about how humiliating and horrible this experience had been for nearly half a year after the experience itself.  She would listen to girls around her talk about boyfriends and fiances and kissing and how wonderful it was and smile and nod like she knew what they were talking about but really she never wanted to get close to a boy ever again if that's how things went.

Or several years after this when the girl finally managed to start overcoming some of her paranoid fears about dating she started spending time with a young man who was kind and generous and friendly and interesting and started thinking that maybe, just maybe, things would go well.  And then without warning the young man disappeared completely and (somewhat pettily) removed the girl on Facebook of all places.  This felt rather final, and not wanting to be pushy or needy, the girl quietly moved on.  A note appeared on her bed several months later with a "you're wonderful and beautiful" but "now isn't a good time" message, and the girl put the note away and. . . tried to move on.

Why was it, she thought, that her friends seemed to feel so much more deeply than she did?  This was, for all intents and purposes, the only "break up" she'd ever gone through in her many years of dating eligibility, and she felt nothing.  No desire for a pint of ice cream.  No tears.  The relationship had moved on, so she would quietly walk away and start over.  It was a familiar walk, after all.  She felt bad for not feeling bad.

The people around her weren't quite sure what to do with her.  To be fair, the girl often wasn't sure what to do with herself.  She felt frustrated.  She was gifted in public situations and usually liked them, but when it came to friends and relationships she was what many might call a failure.  She preferred small groups of friends.  When friends moved or married she hardly ever maintained contact with them, preferring not to force relationships.  Although she often felt like she ought to date more, she really just didn't like it and had a hard time balancing what she wanted with what she was supposed to want.  She often thought that she would date much more if she lived in the Arctic where the only creatures there to watch were the penguins - and they wouldn't talk.  It was a complicated kind of existence.

She was learning to balance it.  She always found that labels helped her to categorize her emotions a little better and feel less guilty over things that weren't really meant to be guilt inducing because they weren't sins so much as challenges.  She found a few close friends that she trusted, and this helped too.

But what really helped was the story of Moses.  Some people, she thought, had challenges that God would just take away.  The Jaredites, for example, needed to be able to speak the same language.  So God kept their language pure.  But Moses - Moses had trouble speaking.  Since he was a prophet, this was a problem.  But God didn't make him any better at public speaking over the years as far as we can tell, but instead gave Moses someone who was good at speaking and Moses could pass on what needed to be said through him.  It didn't take the problem away, but it did make it easier to cope.  And this. . . this was where words could cease to be a curse for the girl but instead a very great blessing.  Writing, she found, was where she could be honest and work out her complicated ideas and confusing existence in a way that was helpful to her and maybe, just maybe, also helpful to others.