The last few days have been mentally and physically taxing ones for me. I'm drowning in approximately 175 essays to read (in addition to the rest of the homework I need to grade.) I have an online class I need to film for and grade. I have friends who want to spend time with me. I have a bed who dearly misses me. I have a handful of very needy parents to deal with. I have a somewhat neglected spiritual life that I have been making strides to enhance again. I have personal insecurities and outside pressures to somehow conquer or, at least, learn to put up with. My life, at least right now, feels a bit like the trash compactor in Star Wars and I'm doing everything I can to try and stop it, or at least get the trash out, but I've been fighting to stay on top while I do all this and it. is. hard.
Then I read this.
It's written by a good family friend that I knew growing up. I've been a long-time reader of hers because she has such a way with words that I can't help myself. Today she said exactly what I needed to.
Because - the thing is - in the middle of all this cultural pressure, I find myself looking at my own "someday" and feeling, on the whole, quite satisfied with what I have.
It used to be that someday I would graduate and have a job and teach and be financially independent and be married and have a family and do everything well. Now a good portion of that is here. I did graduate. I have a fantastic job. I teach. I am completely financially independent. I'm not married and I don't have a family and I certainly don't do everything well, but I am happy.
And, if I were being perfectly honest, I think I would be absolutely suffocated if I were home right now with children who couldn't speak yet. I'm not ready for that. I'm content with my room full of noisy teenagers who can mostly take care of their own body fluids. (Though, to be fair, this is likely the partial result of a stomach flu going around school that resulted in a hallway mishap recently. I don't hate small children. I'm just glad I don't have any right this second.)
So much of what I've written about in the last several years of having this blog has been about my convictions on love or dating or social lives in general that, for all my trying to escape the pressure, I've only ever been stuck in a world where I have felt inadequate and unappreciated as a single woman. As though my marital status has been a deterrent in my value or worth, or, if not a deterrent, then not as important. It has left me feeling torn and pressured into doing things for the entirely wrong reasons, just to attempt to relieve that pressure. It's no wonder I can't have fun when I go out on dates: I'm not dating to please myself, I'm dating to please others or to meet some cultural standard.
It sounds selfish, but I don't mean it to. I only mean that my mind has always been in the wrong place. It hasn't ever been: "someday I'll find someone that helps me be happy" - it's always been, "someday I'll find someone and that will make _____ happier with me." Or, "someday I will find someone and then I can have a life like ______."
What I'm trying to say is. . . I can wait. I'm ready to shed the pressure and just be for a while. I like where I am. I'm happy where I am. I don't want to live someone else's life. And I think, for a little while, before I dive back into the fray, I need to take a bit of time to appreciate the life that I have. I do look forward to my "someday" when I am not single and have all it entails in my life, but I am, for now, content with the "some" of "someday" I have.
7 comments:
Thank you for sharing both your some of someday and that of your friend. I was very touched by both of them. Good for you for enjoying where you are now.
My "someday" (right now) is that we'll move closer to our grandchildren, though we really aren't that far away from them, just inconveniently far.
And as for that other pressure, you can say what I used to say when people would ask me when I was going to get married.
"When I find someone who deserves to be as happy as I can make him."
In the meantime, enjoy. You are doing good work, and you are making a difference in very important lives.
Great post Joni! Life in Provo (are you living in Provo? I feel you are), esp. post graduation can be so stifling! Good for you for being happy and recognizing it and focusing on the joy of the some of Someday you are blessed to have. Your attitude and perspective will be contagious and men will find it attractive. ;)
P.S. I love your needy parents. Your dad had a profound effect on me growing up. More that he'll probably ever know.
Beautifully written Joni. Thanks for sharing and being honest in such a lovely, eloquent way.
Not so fast my young friend, don’t fall into the trap of waiting for someday.
All of your todays, waiting for somedays will soon become yesterdays. And one day, when you look back over your life of yesterdays, and say to yourself if, and only if I didn’t wait for someday, what my life would have been …
Wendy: I'm living near enough to Provo to feel the effects of it, that's for sure! And I agree, my parents are wonderful. Love love love your blog.
Amanda: I miss you dearly. Hope things are well!
Tony: Forgive me, but I'm going to judge that you are male by your name? Let me also suggest that if this is true, you have no idea whatsoever what it is to be a single woman in my corner of the world. I have no intention of waiting for my someday. But I also have no intention of assuming that working for something that will eventually make me happy is any reason or excuse for me not to be happy with what I have now. If I may be so bold as to brag - I'm a "make it happen" person, not a "someone else should do this for me" person.
Joni,
You are correct on my gender, and even though I have never walked in your shoes, I have been around women all my life and can empathize with your position.
Not to get too philosophical but, “Happiness” is a nebulous concept. As you go through life your definition of Happiness will change or evolve. And as you “boldly” go through life, when the right person, at the right time comes along, you will “make it so”.
Tony,
I find it very curious that, not knowing me personally, you assume that I don't already know what you are telling me. You may empathize with women quite well, I am sure, but - seeing as you don't know me or my situation - it is fairly presumptuous of you to feel the need to lecture me on how I should feel or behave.
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