25 February 2009

No, Dr. Dermatologist, I do not want your high powered drug.

The scene: Dermatologist's office in an undisclosed location.
The players: Myself (known as UL - Unfortunate Lilymaid), Dr. Dermatologist (DD) and his assistant (We'll call her Pam, just for kicks.)
The time: approximately 8:45 AM, 25 February 2009

At Open: UL is sitting Down Stage Right in a semi-comfortable chair reading The Life of Pi, wishing she were asleep or studying for a test that she must take later that day.

Enter DD and Pam from Up Stage Left.

DD: Hello! What are you reading?

UL: The Life of Pi

DD: I think I've heard of it but I don't know that I've ever read it.

UL: That's nice.

DD pulls up a chair and looks intensely at UL's face.

DD: Have you ever considered taking an ultra-powerful but very expensive drug that will dry out your skin and make you moody and require monthly blood testing and is harder to prescribe than most narcotics but clears up face problems in 5 out of 6 of my patients? (Drug will hence forth be known as "accutane" or simply "ultra-powerful drug")

UL: Yes, you spoke to me about that last time.

DD: Let me ask you something. How old are you?

UL: I will be continuing in early twentysomethingdom next May.

DD: Are you dating? Planning on getting married? Pregnant?

UL: No, still no, definitely without question no.

DD: Then now is the perfect time to take the ultra-powerful drug! Your not all that horrible skin will be really super horrible, but no one will care because they are not dating you. And then when someone does finally date you, you will be free of such cares!

UL: See, I've done some research into this ultra-powerful drug and everyone else who has been on it had skin issues about six times worse than mine.

(Pam is currently typing on the computer. UL concludes that Pam is either taking notes on the conversation, checking her Facebook, or chatting with "Jim" through google chat.)

DD: Well, yes. This is true. But you have a spot right there (points to the two zits currently taking up residence on UL's right temple) that could be cleared up FOREVER with this ultra-powerful drug. If you were my daughter I would take you by the collar and shake you and tell you that you had to get on this drug now! You're probably really glad you're not my daughter, right?

UL: (nods, but is really thinking "Nofreakingkidding.")

DD: So, what do you think? Not that you're not a lovely girl, but that little spot on your face is driving me crazy and the only way we can get rid of it and make you truly beautiful is with ultra-powerful drug treatment.

UL: (starting to be somewhat annoyed/put out): No thank you.

DD: Are you sure? Because most girls' acne disappears by the time they're 20. And if it continues beyond then, they are most certainly doomed to suffer from adult acne until they are 54 and hit menopause.

UL: (He's not met many of my friends. And since when is 20 the magic number?) Actually, I'm pretty happy with what I'm taking right now.

DD: Alright. Well, when you change your mind, here is my card.

In other news, UL is currently in the market for a dermatologist who is equally as good natured as current DD but perhaps not quite so quick to jump the gun on last resort drug use.


Autumn said...

Wow, so we learned about accutane in my anatomy class. Apparently it causes 50 to 60% of MAJOR birth defects in children conceived when they prescribed it.

Emily said...

Acutane has no place in Camelot. It is evident that DD is actually an evil wizard bent on your final destruction.
Why else would he prescribe such a powerful potion to the Unfortunate Lily Maid?
You should inform the High King promptly to ensure said sneaking Evil Wizard DD is banished for eternity.

The Girl in the Other Room said...

I'm very glad you said no. I have heard some really bad stories about it, working at the pharmacy. I wouldn't take anything stronger than Solodyn myself.

Btw, your dermatologist is crazy. I really don't like accutane/claravis/isotretinoin and all of those drugs. They are super icky.

Rebecca O'Bryan said...

You have an uncanny ability to make me pee my pants from laughter Joni. I can see his logic though, in order to give his daughter accutane she would also have to take birth control and in a primarily Mormon community, this is probably one of the only accepted ways a teenage/early twenty year old could take birth control and not be ridiculed for it. And although we all know that Mormons don't do that kind of thing, parents think otherwise. A sneaky, but smart move overall.

Plus if you think about it, which is worse: the embarrassment of the occasional pimple or possibly having really crappy side effects but hey-- at least you looked good while it happened. Really, DD is just looking out for your best interest.