I've had a really terrible last 48 hours. It's been a series of Jonah Days. I've been in the depths of despair. I've had no flying and all thud for the last two days.
Ok. It's not that bad. No matter how bad things are, they can always get worse (isn't that a comforting thought). But my last few days have been pretty terrible and I've thought about some things that I thought I'd post about.
First, let me explain the situation. I auditioned for A Christmas Carol at the Hale in Orem last week. I did the show last year so I wasn't so worried about getting cast. I was looking forward to it (was-note the past tense. Can you see where this is going?). Last year I was a member of the choir. This year I thought it would be fun to be part of the cast, so instead of going directly to the choir call back that I was invited to, I auditioned for the main show as well. My reading went really well (the directors raved about it), and the song went well too. Long story short, I wasn't called back for the cast. Ok. No big deal-I was in the choir last year and had lots of fun. So I went to the choir call back.
I was there for five hours. Five! I had been hoping to be out of there in no more than three so that I could go home and study for a test I had to take. And after all that pain: I wasn't cast. The new choir consists of about three people who have done it before. There are at least four of us who have done the show before that were cut, including one family who have been in the choir for about ten years, and my friend who has done Christmas Carol for about four years. Needless to say: we were pretty upset. My friend called the director yesterday to thank her for the opportunity and ask her about what happened (the girls that were chosen, and some of the boys were not exactly consistent vocally), and the director told her that both of us (meaning myself and my friend), were perfect. We couldn't have done anything else to get in. We didn't do anything wrong. She just felt inspired to cast other people this year.
I hate that.
Not inspiration, exactly. I mean, it's wonderful. But for one second (or maybe a little longer) I had the thought "this never would have happened at home". Theater politics gain almost an entire level of annoyance in Utah that they don't most other places because the directors are biased two times over-one in prior relationships, and two in inspiration. Bah.
I'm not nearly as bitter about it now as I was yesterday morning. You've seen my posts on how busy I am. God knows I have enough to do this semester. But a conversation I had with my friend on the way home got me thinking. She said that maybe this time the people who were cast needed to be there, and that next time things would be more in our favor. But I don't know that I believe that.
Here comes my theory. There is a line in The Princess Bride that says "who says life is fair, where is that written?". I like that line. No. Life isn't fair. But God is. It's one of the parts about His character that makes Him God. I don't believe that God would bless these other people and say "oops...sorry Joni. I'm going to leave you out in the cold for a second and I'll be back. Hang on". He doesn't work like that. One of the most complex, and incredible parts of his plan is that no matter what happens, everyone benefits. What happens to one person will, or at least can influence another person for the better also (even if it's not obvious). Everything happens for a reason. God doesn't forget one person to help another.
So while I hate that I don't get my fabulous shoes and hoop-skirt this year, and I still wish that things would have turned out in my favor-I know that whatever I want for myself isn't as good as what God wants for me. And while it may be hard right now, I know that when doors close, windows open. Maria had it right in The Sound of Music-there is another way. A better way. So now that I've had my cry-I'm not going to turn my back on the world, I'm going to face whatever comes as a chance for a new adventure. Besides-if I got everything I auditioned for, I wouldn't appreciate theater. It would become something I do, instead of something I love.