A Thrill of Hope

I've always had a great love for Christmas music. As a child I don't think I loved any time of the year more than the time when the sounds of The Carpenters, Andy Williams, Bing Crosby and Mannheim Steamroller. There is joy and hope in Christmas music. (And a fair bit of annoyance when it comes to songs about hippos and Christmas shoes, but I digress.)

The older I get the more appreciation I have for the hymns of Christmas. What Child is This, for example, paints a beautiful parallel between choirs of angels raising "songs on high" while, at the same time, Mary sings a lullaby to an infant. I love the contrast in that. It's poetic. It's peaceful.

This year, though, I've been thinking about the first verse in O, Holy Night over and over again. I think in the midst of the opportunity for showing off and belting that song usually provides, I've never really paused to consider what the message of that song actually is. Look at the first verse again:

O, holy night! The stars are brightly shining,

It is the night of our dear Savior's birth.

Long lay the world in sin and error, pining,

'Til he appeared, and the soul felt its worth.

A thrill of hope, the weary soul rejoices,

For yonder breaks a new and glorious morn!

It's the last four lines of the song that hit me the hardest this year. Last year I felt was one of tremendous blessings from the Lord. I was given wonderful opportunities, new friends, and some wonderful, merciful experiences that were so perfect that I felt likely to burst out of my own skin. Life was so good that my family finally asked me to stop talking about the parts of it I was so happy about because it was getting on their nerves.

This year has been different. I've been battling challenges professionally and personally that have left me feeling trapped inside my own weakness. I've spent much of the year in great debate over much of what I hold most dear. I've battled against the bonds of depression harder and longer than I've ever done in my life. I've been holding on by the tips of my fingers, fighting to keep myself afloat.

It's hard to live the gospel. It is hard for me to be single in a church that doesn't quite know what to do with me all the time. It's hard for me to watch my friends go to the temple when I can't yet because of circumstances out of my control. It's hard for me to try hard to fight against the foibles of the natural man monster in me. But a friend reminded me recently that I am imperfect but not inadequate. I am full of sin and error, but because of the birth of my Savior, my weary soul has worth and great cause to rejoice. This song, then, speaks to me not just of the hope of the night the Savior was born, but the hope of a new year, the hope of Christmas, the hope of the gospel in my life.

How many (almost) college graduates does it take to find a Starbucks?

This is the story of a girl on a mission.  Her small sister had not been dreaming of sugar plums over the yule-tide season, she had been dreaming of figure skates and graceful feats of athleticism  on a sheet of ice.  The loving mother of these two girls, being a kind hearted soul, decided to promise the smaller one that, at some point before she returned to school, the family would embark on an ice skating adventure of fun and joy.  

This would have been much more easily accomplished if everyone else was as excited about said adventure as the small one was.  Older brother managed to get out of it by flying home early.  The rest of the family seemed doomed to the journey, however begrudgingly. 

On the day of the trip, Mother, older sister, small sister and small sister's friend drove in one car with Father and (no longer that small) younger brother drove in the other car to meet at the indoor ice-arena at approximately 2:00 PM (1400 Hours.)  This plan went swimmingly (if a little late) until the female vehicle realized that the arena, which had been open for a similar trip the previous New Year was closed.  Mother and older sister were ready to go home.  Small sister and friend were very disappointed.  Small sister was close to tears until Mother decided to suggest an even colder idea: the outdoor ice arena down town!  Brilliant! cried the younger passengers.  Wonderful! Smashing!  Please, lets!

This is the part where the boys get out of the adventure in favor of watching bowl games.  Older sister begins to see the benefit of competitive sports.  

So older sister drove the car down town and eventually (an hour later) found said over-crowded very small ice arena playing loud rock music and containing a plethora of people including two Mennonite girls, teenaged boys and girls attempting to flirt, skating students attempting to skate, and men dragged in by their wives away from their respective bowl games wearing jackets and hats to support their teams instead.  

To compensate for the cold and the fact that older sister had only dressed for indoor skating, she decided to go in search of a Starbucks to buy a warm drink of the chocolate variety.  Surely there would be one!  Or three!  Or twelve!  Within four city blocks alone!  It could not be so very difficult!

Older sister drove up and down a plethora of city streets in an attempt to find Starbucks.  Mother had told her that there was one near where her father worked but she could not see it.  She determined that either 1) she needed glasses; 2) she needed to be a wizard to see it; or 3) Mother was crazy.  After driving around without success down nearly every street in the down town area that seemed remotely safe, older sister decided to go to another coffee place a little farther away.  Other coffee place had, as she recalled, a nice variety of sandwiches and quiches and other snacks as well, since she had not eaten her noon meal yet.  This pleasant thought in mind, older sister found that the delightful coffee shop that had held all her hopes and dreams was closed.  Not just for today, but for every day.  Hopes and dreams were shattered.  There was (very nearly) weeping, wailing, and gnashing of teeth. 

Older sister decided that she was tired of driving around and that she should stop wasting gas in Mother's car.  As she was driving back, through the hazy waves of the hot drink-free desert, an oasis was seen on the corner - a Starbucks!  At last!  Older sister had found some luck!  She parked by a meter and went in.  There was no line.  She ordered one grande and one tall beverage for herself and for her mother.  The cashier said "Mayhaps may I interest you in something else?"  Older sister wished she had interest in another drink simply because he used the word "mayhaps".  Roughly $6.37 later, older sister is back in the car and on her way back to the outdoor ice block.  Things are looking up.  Especially when small sister's friend announces that her feet hurt and she is almost ready to go.  

Thank you, Starbucks.  Thank you.

A Study of Contrasts

I'm going to give you a bit of warning. This post has the potential to enter some cheese. I'm struggling to find a way to say what I want to say that doesn't come across as overly sentimental or over reaching for profoundness. We'll see how it works out.

Tonight we all gathered with some family friends to enjoy dinner and talking and singing carols among other things. It was wonderful. My extended family includes so many wonderful people I'm not related to by blood. Looking around at everyone, I felt very blessed to have all of my family healthy and safe and happy this time of year. Especially because of what happened later tonight after we had finished eating dinner. We got word that a family in our stake discovered that their little baby has leukemia this afternoon and had to drive to a hospital a few hours away that is better equipped to treat him in an ambulance. Their boy is about three - things aren't really looking good.

What a contrast to my Christmas Eve. I made it safely home while thousands of people are stranded in airports all over the country because of horrible weather. I have family and friends that are safe and happy and well. I will wake up tomorrow morning and spend the day in my pajamas while this family spends their day in a hospital - if things go well. That just kills me. It makes me feel so sick.

I'm not sure how this next thought connects, but bear with me. One of my favorite Christmas songs is "What Child is This". The tune is haunting because of the major/minor chord shifts, but I'm not up on music theory so I'm not going to get into it. Really, there are only a few versions of this song I really appreciate because (unfortunately) in most versions of the song, the artists cut out the second and third chorus and just sing the first one three times. As far as Christmas songs go, that's the one that sums up the whole Christmas message to me. It's a study of the life of the Savior, really. The words tell of his birth and crucifixion - and end with a mother singing her baby a lullaby. The single most important event that ever occurred in the history of the earth - and it's contrasted with this image of a mother putting her baby to sleep. It's beautiful. It's a child and a mother together on Christmas. It happens all over the globe every year.

I suppose, then, this is my way of wishing all of you (wherever you are, and if there even are any of you) a Merry Christmas. I hope that your families are safe and well, and I hope that the spirit of the Savior will be with you.

(See? I told you it would be cheesy.)

It's a Marshmallow World...

In August?

Alright. Story time. I have a very boring job (that officially ends TOMORROW!) that involves me entering information into a computer all day. I talk to no one. I sit in my box and look at a screen all day. You kind of start getting the feeling that eventually you'll hit the right combination of keys on the keyboard and someone will run by and give you some cheese or a Scooby Snack. So I do any number of things to keep myself occupied throughout the day to forget how boring everything is. I munch on almonds and have a kind of routine that I keep-I listen to a movie in the morning on a portable DVD player with the screen down so I don't look like I'm watching instead of working-a movie I know really well helps pass the time rather quickly. I listen to music on my iPod on shuffle so I get a good mix of musicals and classical and more up-beat type stuff, and I listen to books on tape that I know really well (Harry Potter, Ender's Game), so that when I zone out and stop listening I don't get confused when I come back in. I change my music in and out fairly frequently so I don't start listening to the same stuff over and over and over again. So I was getting near the end of listening to Ender's Game and I decided to put Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone on just in case I finished. I have all my books on their own playlist in itunes so that I don't have to have it on my iPod all the time-so I suppose you could imagine my surprise when about two hundred Christmas songs from my collection made their way on to my iPod. I was listening to songs on shuffle when all of the sudden I heard "It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year" by Andy Williams. I was completely confused. What in the-I hadn't added Christmas music! I love Christmas and all, but I don't listen to Christmas music until the day after Thanksgiving when I start putting up decorations and looking for trees. Shame on me though-I broke my rule and listened to nearly every Christmas song that came through in the shuffle because it was exactly the change I needed and put me in such a good mood that it didn't matter how ridiculous it was. Christmas music makes me so happy. It has a kind of smell to it-a sound and feel associated with every Christmas memory I've ever had. Like picking out the tree with my mom and driving around to look at lights-caroling in full Dickens-dress with the cast of the Hale's version of A Christmas Carol...walking home in the snow from work when it's just me and the street lights and feeling all romantic about it until I get home and realize my mascara's run and I look like a raccoon instead of the snow-queen I've imagined for myself. All the Californians who come to Provo in the winter can back off as far as I'm concerned. I love winter and I can't wait for snow.

Because there is still good in this world...

Happy Christmas Eve to everyone! My Christmas gift to all of you, being the extremely poor person that I am, is a blog post! Huzzah! (Virgin) Drinks all around! I hope that all of you, my dear blogging friends in the void, have a very happy Christmas and that you enjoy this wonderful time of the year.

I've got two main things to talk about tonight and one of them kind of leads into the other so here it goes. I went to church with my grandparents today because I'm staying with them (and the rest of my family) until just after new years. Coming from a student ward in general it's a bit of a shock to the system-much more noisy. My grandma's ward is in two extremes: there are the really young new families and the really old couples. Discussion in relief society was pretty non existent and (I'll be honest), I wasn't paying much attention to it. The discussion was something about how we need to be disciples of Christ and what that means. Everyone was giving the standard "do your visiting teaching" "do your best" kind of answers so I kind of tuned it out in favor of this adorable baby a row across from me who kept making cute faces. Near the end of the lesson (or was it the end of Gospel Doctrine? Shows how much I was paying attention), the speaker made reference to a quote (Maxwell?) about how we will some day have to answer the question about what Christ means to us. So in light of the Christmas season, I'll propose that we all think a little more about what the Savior means to us as individuals.

Personally, I started thinking about why we celebrate Christmas at all. Not to be cynical-I love Christmas as much as the next person-but we place so much (albeit, commercial) importance on Christmas, and virtually none on the events surrounding Easter. After thinking about it for a while I thought about how glad I was that Easter isn't as commercialized. Wouldn't it be terrible if the focus of the holiday was put on more than just a bunch of jelly beans? Back to Christmas-I started thinking about A Christmas Carol after that and why it's a Christmas story at all beyond the fact that it takes place at Christmas. Now, I'm sure many have had this thought before me but it really hit me today in light of the question that was asked in church that the reason we celebrate Christmas is because the birth of the Savior was the dawn of a new brightness of hope in a world that had none. The birth of Christ led to the death of Christ, and the resurrection of Christ after that. There is a reason why Christmas is such a joyful time of the year. It is because it is a celebration of life, and hope of better days to come through His light.

This optimistic thought in mind, I really enjoyed the rest of today. We had a lovely family dinner and watched a movie together and just enjoyed one another's company. Later after most of the kids were off either in bed or watching a movie in the den, we started as adults (ha! I call myself an adult. Well-I'm not a kid) to talk about the past year and eventually got on the subject of how sad it is that schools aren't allowed to celebrate Christmas any more. There's a school district in Minnesota that doesn't allow kids to wear red or green during the month of December, for example. My elementary school at home can't have a Christmas program any more, they have a "winter" program, even though the school is at least 90% Christian. In light of that and several other things that have come up in the last year (a co-ed sleep over in my brother's show choir, for example), my dad has become fairly pessimistic about the condition of the world, especially for teenagers. And who could really blame him? There is so much evil in the world. It is available everywhere we turn. One need only open a newspaper and read the front page to see it. Turn on the internet or open a magazine and all you see is scantily clad celebrities with insane love lives. And these are the role models for youth? Even at my apartment complex-a place that is sponsored by BYU-we hear loud parties every night with at least 90% of the songs about sex and drugs. The 13th Article of Faith talks about finding things that are virtuous, lovely, of good report and praiseworthy-but finding such things in the world is hard. I'm not saying it's impossible. Anyone who knows me really well will know that the absurdity of my movie knowledge knows very few bounds. I'm just commenting for the sake of conversation that the world is bleak. Teens are presented with options for little outside of sex and drugs (and usually both).

However terrible the world is-I refuse to lose sight of my optimism. President Hinkley is one of the most optimistic men on this earth, and one of the very few men on earth who is able to comprehend the evil in the world. We are told that men are that they might have joy. I was watching Lord of the Rings the other day and thinking about Sam's quote about why they are still fighting to destroy the ring when Middle Earth is full of such evil-he says it is because there *is* still good in the world, and that good is worth fighting for. The way I see it (and the way Sean Astin sees it too if you watch the commentary), the word fighting should be in quotes. Fighting doesn't necessarily mean through violence. I see it as men striving to do good in a world that may reject it no matter what the odds are.

Throughout history there are examples of men who made a difference as an individual. Hitler, for example, was able to pull an entire nation down because he was a terrible, selfish leader. On the other hand, men like Gandhi were able to pull thousands of people out of despair and into a better life. No matter how evil the world is, it will never be so evil that we should stop looking for the joy in it. There are so many good people left in the world. I will not give up. God has promised that he will not remove the church from the earth again. If I have the gospel in my life, then I have hope. And if I have hope, then I truly can find happiness in a world that lives in a state of misery (whether they know it or not). Tolkien really did have it right-the good that is left in this world is worth fighting for, even if we are fighting a losing battle.

The great thing there, of course, is that we know we'll win the war, so losing all the battles doesn't matter all that much in the great scheme of things. All the best wars were like that (Revolutionary War, for example)...

Merry Christmas everyone! I hope that you are able to find joy no matter the circumstances.